Identity Index: Undisciplined

What is my relationship to being undisciplined? I identify as undisciplined. I have a story about myself that I am undisciplined.

What does that mean to me?

First and foremost, it's a story with an old and solid foundation. The way I've relayed it through my life is that I was a relatively smart [see: intelligent] and talented [see: talented] child, and in elementary school I liked doing the work and so being a good student and putting in full dedication and effort to it was no issue. Likewise in other pursuits, like learning bible verses in Sunday School, I enjoyed it and liked the positive affirmation I got as well [see: agreeable] so I felt no tension in doing it from a place of earnest dedication. Is that the same as discipline? I'm not sure, maybe it's just alignment of motivation as I'll get into later. Regardless, this early period sets the stage for a shift.

Sometime around middle school, I still wanted the good grades and positive affirmation from teachers and others in authority, but I felt less interested in some of what I was learning. I also felt increased social pressure connecting "being cool" [see: cool] with not caring too much about school.

So the shift was that I began procrastinating [see: procrastinator] more and more, putting off doing an assignment or studying for a test until the night before, and then cramming in the work as best I could in minimal time.

The thing is, it almost always worked out, I still got the good grade, plus the signaling of caring less tied to being cool, and I built up a story about myself that this was just further evidence of how smart and cool I was, that I could put in little effort and still succeed.

Of course, so my story goes, what I was actually learning would be carried throughout much of my life to today: lack of discipline.

Part of me feels a TON of self judgement about this aspect of myself. I feel angry at myself for how I tell myself my lack of discipline has led to my not fulfilling some notion of what my full potential is thus far. I feel grief at the loss of potential lives I could have led had I been more disciplined in following a path. I also feel grief at the loss of connections or depth of connection from not being more disciplined about keeping up with people I care about [see: bad at correspondences].

I also feel how this story of being undisciplined is self reinforcing. Tonight (12/27/22) I attended a men's group, and part of my check-in was that I felt hesitant to share about my excitement at starting a new writing effort about my Identity Index, because I feared I wouldn't actually follow through with it. Then I'd end up feeling even worse, by having told other people about it and then failing versus just failing to follow through without anyone knowing. This sort of shame spiral reminds me, and this came up in the men's group as well, of how I've felt when I would try to quit smoking weed or drinking [see: addict], and then as soon as I would have a lapse I'd spiral into failure shame mode which fully kicked the habit back into gear.

So I imagine there's a similar dynamic that's at play with this undisciplined story and my shame and judgement around it.

Another thing I'm connecting being undisciplined to, is the feeling of being stuck or stagnant [see: stuck]. Like by knowing what could help me "be better" but not having the discipline to do it consistently, I feel stuck and helpless and pitiful, back in that same shame loop as the addiction loop.

At the same time, I feel this other inquiry opening up about this entire story. Like what the fuck even is being disciplined as a goal? We have this cultural notion that so many habits worth having aren't pleasurable or self-reinforcing on their own and so discipline is what fills in the gap. But maybe that's bullshit.

To play out the counter-narrative, it goes something like this: if you find the true and right and earnest motivation to drive a behavior, if the behavior itself is coming from flow of self connection and knowledge, no discipline will be required. You'll do it because you want to and because you have a deeply felt sense and confidence that it is what you want.

Discipline then is only actually even needed when it's something you haven't found truly aligned motivation to do. If you need discipline not to drink, you're still caught up in wanting to drink. If you need discipline to want to run twice a week, you're running for the wrong reasons.

I think there's real truth in this counter-narrative against discipline. I don't smoke weed any more, but it's because I shifted my motivations fundamentally enough that I don't want to do that. At the same time, I know that I'm not fully capable now or probably ever of continuous maintenance of connection to myself and flow, so maybe having some discipline to fall back on in those disconnected times is still a worthwhile thing to cultivate.

But also, this counter-narrative framing gives me the opportunity to relate to moments of feeling undisciplined differently. Why do I feel like discipline would help me right now? Where might my motivations be misaligned here? Is this thing even worth doing? Should I be seeking a long term strategy to not continue doing it if I don't really want to?

Anyway, this all feels true and real to me. What more can I share? I'll revisit this later and see if more comes up.

For now: Undisciplined Matt, I love you and accept you fully. You're a part of my wholeness and also you don't need to be forever. The story can change but right now it's great and complete.

Meta Reflection

On pressing publish: There are two main places I feel vulnerability and risk in publishing what is written here so far. The first has to do with the bits about addiction, smoking weed and drinking. And the second has to do with how it's impacted keeping up with people I care about. Both feel shameful, but also both get their own posts eventually so I'll get to lean much more deeply into that vulnerability then.